Do you have a defensive partner? Does your husband get defensive whenever you ask questions or say any statement? At first, when you see your husband’s defensive behavior, you might think it is normal, but when the behavior repeats, you might start to get worried about it.
Every relationship is unique, so is the relationship of husband and wife. In a healthy marriage, you love, you argue, you get upset, you say sorry. Arguments between a husband and wife are common, and in fact, no husband-wife does not have arguments. In an argument, explaining your point, saying what’s right is ok, but getting defensive is not ok.
Signs of Defensive Husband
If your husband shows the following signs that it is likely your husband is defensive.
- He wants to be right at everything
- Does not listen to you
- Blame you for each and everything
- Make excuses for every wrong action
- Justifying their action
- Blame others for making mistakes
- Bringing past things to avoid the current situation
- Changing topic around you
Types of Defensive Behaviour
When people get defensive, they start to show different types of behavior. Your defensive behavior can be different from your husband’s, so you need to know different types of defensive behavior. Here are the types of defensive behavior that you must know about.
- Bringing up the past things: People with this type of behavior remind them of other people’s past mistakes.
- Ad Hominem Attack: People who have Ad hominem attack behavior tries to attack another person who tries to attack them.
- Gaslighting: Pretending to lose sanity by questioning their memory, by lying about the situation. People with this behavior show as if they are not thinking rationally about their life.
- Blaming/ Aggression: Blaming someone else about the situation when you are responsible for it.
- Holding Silence: People with silent defensive behavior do not speak to the person who is accusing to make them realize their criticism.
- Innocent Victim: People with this behavior agree with all the criticism and cry about their mistakes to make others feel guilty about the situation.
- Indignation: This kind of person behaves like you should not question them for anything.
Why Do Husbands Get Defensive?
As you know that everyone has a different nature; getting defensive about a situation is also human nature. Sometimes people get defensive due to certain situations, while sometimes, people get defensive as it is their natural behavior.
If your husband gets defensive, there might be some reason behind it. You must know the reason behind the defensive nature of your husband before you further react. Here are some reasons why husbands get defensive when you ask questions.
Result of hiding the truth
Sometimes, when your husband tries to hide things from you at that time, they start to show defensive behavior. When your husband starts to lie, their behavior changes; at that time, knowingly or unknowingly, their behavior starts to get defensive.
Childhood trauma or abuse
If a person has faced any trauma during their childhood, it can also be the reason for them to react the way they are now. For instance, a person who had a rough childhood, like being harshly punished or abused, shows defensive behavior to protect themselves when they become adults.
If your parents or partner have defensive behavior, you start to learn their behavior. For example, if you have grown up seeing your parent’s defensive behavior towards each other, you start to imitate the same behavior with your partner.
Mental health disorder
The next reason your husband shows aggressive behavior can also be because of their mental health. Mental health is something that people usually tend to ignore, but it can be a major reason for people’s defensive behavior.
Result of inability or anxiety
When people have some inability like speech problem or some physical or mental inability, their behavior gets defensive.
Result of attack on character or behavior
Sometimes, when your husband feels like their character is being attacked, they start to show defensive behavior.
Result of guilt or shame
Defensive behavior also shows up when you start a topic your partner feels guilty about. To respond to the topic, they feel guilty; they start to get defensive.
How To Deal When Husband Gets Defensive?
It gets difficult to handle a defensive person, and it’s even tougher when you are defensive, and so is your husband. When it’s a matter of husband and wife’s relationship, one must know how to handle it to protect your relationship.
As dealing with an angry husband is not that difficult you can deal with defensive behavior as well. Here’s how you can deal when your husband gets defensive.
1. Always Be Honest
Honesty is the biggest thing you will need in a husband and wife’s relationship. You should be vocal about things that make you upset, things that make you angry, and so on. Whenever you feel your husband gets defensive about some situation, you need to honestly say it.
For instance, if your husband gets defensive about any situation, then you should confront them about it. You can even suggest your partner discuss the subject matter later on. Even if you feel angry or emotional about any situation, you need to tell your husband about it, which will help reduce your husband’s defensiveness.
2. Listen To Your Partner
The next important rule that you must follow in a relationship is to listen to each other. Either you or your husband, who have defensive behavior, always make an effort to listen to one another. Listening to one another will help to minimize misunderstanding.
Whenever there’s an argument between you and your husband, always try to listen to what your husband is trying to say before reacting. Whenever you react to your husband’s sentences without listing what they mean to say, he might get more defensive.
Even when your husband gets defensive and tries to overcome his behavior, you need to be more patient and listen to him.
3. Be Understanding
If your husband’s defensive behavior is from his childhood, it can be tough for him to overcome his defensive behavior. In such cases, you need to be understanding about the situation. Changing one’s behavior is not as easy as you think, so patience is the key for you both.
The person with defensive behavior is not feeling happy either so understanding his situation will be better. Both his mind and body get stressed when he starts to get defensive, and at the same time, when you react, things can get out of hand, so one must be understanding.
4. Be Calm
When your husband gets defensive towards you, it’s natural for your body to reciprocate and show some action. When there are reactions from both sides, things might turn into a bitter turn. Hence, it would help if you stay calm as your husband gets defensive.
You can even show your calmness through your actions. If you feel like you cannot stay calm, you can stop the topic for a while and discuss it when you both are calm.
5. Never Rush Into Conclusion
A common mistake that we all make is jumping to conclusions without listening to the full story. When you know your partner has defensive behavior, it would be best for you to be calm and listen to him, which will help him minimize his defensive behavior. It would be best to never conclude any topic without listening to them, leading to defensive behavior.
It would be best for both husband-wife to listen to one another point of view and then conclude the topic. Give time for each other to keep their point of view.
6. Always Remember You Are a Team
To have a happy married life, you must remember you and your husband are a team. You both need to work as a teammate to make your married life successful, and you and your husband need to cooperate to have a better-married life. Just like your professional team, whenever you have any misunderstanding with your partner, talk about it calmly.
If one gets defensive, another one needs to stay calm and take care of the subject matter. You should be careful about your actions before getting aggressive about any situation. When you work as a team with your husband, you will help your husband deal with his defensive behavior.
7. Take a Break
During a discussion of any topics, when you feel like your husband gets defensive and you cannot handle the situation, take a break. If you both are getting aggressive at that time, one of you should stop the discussion.
Whenever you feel like your conversation has gone in the wrong direction, you should pause the discussion for a few minutes. Always remember to release your negative emotions before you continue the discussion. Taking a break during the discussion will help you to think calmly and clear your mind.
8. Always Be Free To Have Open Communication
Your relationship gets stronger when you have open communication with your partner. Whatever you have in your mind, you must say it to your partner. You and your husband should listen to each other even when you get defensive during an argument, talk about his aggressive behavior, and mention how you get affected due to his aggressive behavior.
Also, remember, when you communicate with your partner, you must check your communication tone. When your husband gets defensive, you must not get into a defensive tone, worsening the situation. You should communicate in a soft tone.
9. Be Careful About Your Action
When your husband is showing defensive behavior at that time, you need to be careful about your actions. It would help if you were not defensive when your husband is defensive as it will make the situation worse, and it will crash your communication. As a result, you will not reach any conclusion.
To deal with your husband’s defensive behavior, you must pay attention to your actions. As I mentioned above, you need to be calm and listen to your husband before reacting. It would help if you reacted in a calm way to handle the defensive situation of your husband.
To wrap up, none of the relationships are free from argument. It’s common to argue about a relationship. If your husband gets defensive when you ask questions, you should be able to keep him calm.
Sometimes, feeling attacked, getting angry is what you feel when your husband gets defensive. In the worst case, you might face relationship trouble. Hence, it would be best if you handled your husband’s defensive behavior with extra caution otherwise follow exercises for couples therapy.