Without the abrasion of sand, there would be no pearl!
If you are experiencing overwhelm, chaos and battling mood issues such as anger, depression and anxiety, it can seem completely hopeless. You may feel that although you love your children deeply, the parenting thing just isn’t working out like you planned. You may even have days where you wonder if it is even worth it because your life feels so out of control. In this article as part of my series of tips on parenting, I’ll share from my personal and professional experience of moving from chaos and overwhelm to joy and happiness.
I completely and entirely empathize with your feeling. When my kids were little, I found myself in a full on battle with chaos and overwhelm. I had anger issues and was twice clinically depressed. My house was a mess and my husband and I were often fighting. I wish I’d known then that those challenges would eventually lead to me having a much better life than before I had kids!
So my message to you, based on my personal experience, is one of hope. Although right now it may seem hopeless, even without major change, life will improve. Your children will get older and less messy. You will learn little tricks that will help you get through the day. You also can learn to make some mental adjustments that will make you a happier mom, more able to meet your children’s needs, as well as more able to seize the day for all the good that it has. Today I’m going to share the one major attitude adjustment you can make that will dramatically change improve your family life.
The Best Present You Can Give Yourself!
Although I fully believe that you don’t have to do everything yourself, and you do deserve to be pampered by others, this present you have to give yourself. Lower your expectations for yourself. Many mothers are full of perfectionistic thoughts about how you “should” be as a mother. Those thoughts cause most women to feel hopeless and overwhelmed because you can’t be everything to everyone.
Prior to having kids, I had no idea that I had too high standards! One of the many gifts that our children offer is the chance to become more self-aware. Knowledge is power, and knowing that I have a tendency to expect to much of myself and those I love has been a powerful gift.
As Eckhart Tolle, the author of A New Earth, who did a course with Oprah, says, parenting is the perfect place to reach enlightenment. You are in the perfect place to find joy and enlightenment, although I’m sure it doesn’t feel like it! Just knowing that you can find happiness and that there is a way out of your stress can be reduce your stress dramatically. Wishing that you could escape or drastically change your situation causes you to fight your reality and adds to your stress.
Learning to let go of my excessively high standards was one an incredibly life giving gift. Many of my childless girlfriends have not gone through the same journey of self-discovery because they weren’t forced to find a way to cope. Without the painful motivator to change, they have kept their unrealistically high standards, and their relationships and happiness suffer as a result. I am eternally grateful to be in a more relaxed and joyful place.
So the four points I want to leave you with today are
- Lower your expectations dramatically! Take a longer term view of things, and look for small baby steps towards where you want to go. As you become more patient and more convinced that you’ll get where you want to be, change will come quicker. I’ll blog more on this next week.
- Forgive yourself for your mistakes. Read this blog post for more on this crucial parenting skill.
- Stay in the present. Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth is one of many great books that teaches how to stay in the present. Our obsessing over the past or projecting into the future causes a lot of our overwhelm.
- Get help! For each area of my life that I’ve changed, I’ve sought and found fantastic help. I wish when I was so redlined with stress that I knew that help is out there on every conceivable problem. Again though sometimes it takes patience to find the right help for your situation. I have many suggestions that I share elsewhere in this blog, and I’d be happy to point you in the direction that I found helpful.
No matter how stressed and out of control you feel, I know from personal experience that you can find help. At my lowest I even had suicidal thoughts, which in hindsight seems unbelievable. My life is fantastic and my ability to create what I want in life continues to grow. I am a great parent, and have few areas of my life that need major work now, despite feeling close to hopeless in most areas of my life after having kids. If I can do it, you can too!
I am considering offering a course on how to go from chaos and overwhelm to joy and happiness. Sign up for my mailing list in the box on the upper right so that you hear about the course, as well as about future blog posts and expert interviews.
Comment below and share this post with friends and family who could use powerful tips on parenting to overcome chaos and overwhelm.
How do I sign up for future blogs articles?
[Reply]
Jacqueline Green Reply:
May 19th, 2011 at 1:26 pm
Thanks for asking Angela. In the upper right of this blog post there is a box for your name and email. I’ve been meaning to make it more prominent, and your comment certainly makes it clear that would be helpful!
[Reply]
Thank you very much! So I am not the only one feel mess up every day! These advices are very useful for me!
Sue recently posted..video game review
[Reply]
I think that is a great idea and I know a few people who would be interested. We live chaotic lives – well most of us do and it is overwhelming. I have often been asked if I can help declutter someones life.
Naomi Richards recently posted..Giving Your Child Control Post Parent Separation
[Reply]
Jacqueline Green Reply:
May 20th, 2011 at 5:55 pm
Thanks for the feedback Naomi. I’ll let you know what I decide to do. I am passionate about helping moms find peace and joy in parenting, and so many are so overwhelmed. Have a great weekend!
[Reply]
Hello there! I am new to this blog, and I want to thank you for the tips. I have been saving them in my RSS reader for future use (31 weeks tomorrow with our first!) Keep them coming
Jenna
momofmanyhats.blogspot.com
Jenna recently posted..A Shameless Plug
[Reply]
I sat here and cried reading this post. My husband and I just finished another argument that stemmed from me being completely overwhelmed and not seeing a possible resolution. We have 4 children, ages 6 months to 4 yrs, and I feel I’m pushed so far past capacity I no longer have perspective. I feel like such a failure as a mom and the guilt from that is bleeding into my role as wife and causing more tension. I always thought I’d make a great mom and that I be so fullfilled by this role, but I find myself unhappier than I’ve ever been and wanting to do anything and everything to avoid being ‘mom’. I believe being a mom is the most important job I’ll ever have, but I find myself prioritizing laundry and housework as an escape! I love my children and I want them to know they are a blessing in my life and that I am thankful for them, but I cringe at the way I talk to them and some days feel like I am barely tolerating them. Thank you for your tips. I printed them out to share with my husband, and I’ll probably cry again later when we go over them. I’m glad I’m not alone struggling through this and I appreciate the hope you’ve shared.
[Reply]
Jacqueline Green Reply:
July 26th, 2011 at 7:46 am
Hi Stephanie,
Thanks for your heartfelt post. I’ve been away or I would have written sooner. One of my favorite parts of being a parenting educator is reaching out and offering help to other parents who are finding the journey rough and disheartening.
I completely understand how painful it is to value motherhood so highly, and then struggle with the reality. That has been my journey as a parent too, and I can honestly say that you can go from the depths of despair to loving parenting. I battled so many serious issues after becoming a parent, and certainly found myself talking to my kids in ways I’d vowed never to do. I’ve chosen to grow and learn a ton in order to parent better, and the end result is I am way happier, and my kids show the results of all my hard work.
You may want to listen to the free Great Parenting Show this fall, where I interview 24 experts on various parenting related issues. One speaker I’m excited to be interviewing talks about our self-care as moms. I know that often as moms we neglect ourselves and then find ourselves drawing from an empty well. I love doing the series because I continue to learn and grow from the knowledge that the speakers share.
Parenting certainly is a journey, not an event. Most of us come poorly prepared, and yet we can rise to the challenge. I often think, ironically, that my biggest strength as a parenting educator is how poorly equipped I was for parenting. I know it means a lot to know that someone else has been there, and found a way to where you want to go. I’m glad that I could share some of what has worked for me with you Stephanie.
[Reply]
Stephanie Reply:
July 30th, 2011 at 6:37 pm
Thank you again, Jacqueline! I signed up to recieve notification for the Great Parenting show and am really looking forward to it. I was able to share your post and my response with my husband and it helped him to understand my struggles and especially my disappointment with myself. Now I feel like we’re operating as a team again and he’s had quite a few suggestions for help and lovingly, more often teasingly, enjoys pointing out when my expecations may be a *bit* unrealistic. My oldest excitedly exclaimed “Mommy, you’re so FUN!” yesterday and it was music to my ears and the perfect reminder to enjoy this time with my children.
[Reply]