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Behavior Issues and Their Underlying Causes - Insights from Jennifer Kolari’s Book Connected Parenting

Monday, January 11th, 2010 by Jacqueline Green

When I first read Jennifer Kolari’s book, Connected Parenting , I skipped the chapter on Strategies for the Anxious or Special-needs Child. My specialty as a parent coach has not been special-needs kids, and I didn’t think my kids qualified as anxious either. However I recently reread her book in order to prepare for our interview, and was surprised to find out how relevant and useful this section was.

My daughter has been a challenging child to raise at times. She is very sensitive to clothing, can be bossy, and has a tough time adapting to change. I am well-aware of her challenges, but I had not fully identified with the fact that one of the underlying challenges is she is an anxious kid. Kolari states that anxiety often underlies other behavioral issues, and when she listed traits that can indicate anxiety, Lauren scored high.

Some ways that anxious children mask their anxiety:

  1. bossiness
  2. anger
  3. inflexibility

Other traits that anxious kids may have:

  1. sensitivity to food, clothing
  2. frequent tantrums
  3. irritability
  4. purposeful naughtiness
  5. challenges or inability to cope when things don’t go as planned

One of the things I have to remind myself is that although I am my child’s best hope of managing anxiety, I am not the cause. Some of my parenting style may have contributed, but a genetic load is also a key component. I know that I have a tendency towards anxiety, and so Lauren has a genetic predisposition. That helps take the tendency to blame myself out of the equation so I can just deal with the problem.

It is a relief to realize that part of my challenge with her is that she is anxious. Although I’d still rather not have this issue to deal with, ignorance of the root cause did not make it go away. She hates trying new things, although she often loves them afterward. She can be very rigid and uncompromising, and flashes to anger much more quickly than anyone else in the house. All these issues fit with Kolari’s description of traits of anxious kids.

Do your kids have anxiety issues? If so, I recommend you join Kolari and I on Thursday Jan. 14 for a live interview, or catch the audio replay afterward. Go to http://greatparentingpractices.com/askkolari, and you’ll have a chance to enter a question that may be answered on the call. As well, if you can attend live, you’ll have a chance to win a free audio package for my Parenting TeleSummit, featuring 16 expert parenting interviews!

Posted in Child, Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

Top 10 Parenting Experts in 2009!

Friday, January 1st, 2010 by Jacqueline Green

Over the last decade as a parenting educator and coach, it has been an honor for me to work with and learn from so many excellent parenting experts. With so much information overload, and so many parenting experts, it can be difficult for parents to know where to start! To help you out, I want to share my personal list of the top 10 parenting experts whose work I have found most beneficial.

I had to be very selective in order to keep the list to 10. I don’t believe that any one can truly quantify the top 10 parenting experts in the same way that we can choose the top 10 best-selling books. However, this list will a tremendous benefit to any mother, or father, whose time is precious and wants help sorting through parenting information.

Many of these experts are not well-known to most parents, despite having cutting-edge information that can help your parenting. Let me know what you think of these experts’ work if you check them out, or sign up for my mailing list to hear free interviews with them and other experts. I am approaching all of them about being on my Parenting TeleSummit this spring.

1. Martin Seligman (http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu /)

  • Last winter I read Dr. Seligman’s The Optimistic Child and implemented his program with my kids. I was amazed at the transformation in my parenting that resulted from applying his ideas to myself as well as to the kids. If you have any concerns about your kids and depression , anxiety or social skills, read this book! If you have any issues with pessimism, and would like to know why this trait is so damaging, this is a must read for 2010

2. Gordon Neufeld,  Hold on to Your Kids (http://gordonneufeld.com )

  • Dr. Neufeld is a developmental psychologist, whose work helps parents understand the power of attachment in parenting. Bullying, peer behavior and the adolescent years made sense once I read his wonderful book. I had the pleasure of mentoring under Gordon while taking a number of his courses.

3. Daniel Amen Change Your Brain, Change Your Life . (http://amenclinics.com )

  • Every adult, let alone parent, needs to read this book! Parents have the power to set our kids up for a great brain for life, and we need to know how. You will benefit as much as your kids from knowing what you need to do to live a great life. Amen covers everything from diet to mental and physical stimulation to sex.

4. Daniel Goleman (http://www.danielgoleman.info/blog )

  • Dr. Goleman’s pivotal work on social and emotional intelligence is crucial for parents to read. Many parents get stuck in the trap of focusing on their child’s intellect, while neglecting the much more important social and emotional skills. His books are easy to read and will change how you parent.

5. Dr.s Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks (http://www.Hendricks.com )

  • The Hendricks’ names are synonymous with the movement to greater consciousness. Their many books on conscious relationships have given parents a powerful model for parenting.  I first read their work shortly after my marriage when I needed help negotiating the many issues that arose. I highly recommend their work to improve your relationship, as well as your parenting.

6. Norman Doidge The Brain that Changes Itself (http://www.normandoidge.com/normandoidge/MAIN.htm l)

  • Dr. Doidge’s covers a lot of similar territory to Dr. Amen, with a few notable exceptions. One is his chapter that talks about pornography and the fact that it is not only addictive, but addicts move towards harder and harder porn. With the Internet and our children’s increasing porn exposure, this is a very serious issue that parents need to know about. Your child’s ability to form a consensual, healthy relationship may depend on you knowing more about this subject.

7. Gabor Maté (http://www.drgabormate.com /)

  • Dr. Maté ’s contribution to parenting is multifold. His books cover topics ranging from addictions to ADHD, from both a personal and professional perspective. For parents who are too self-sacrificing, I recommend his eye-opening book When the Body Says No . Maté  also cowrote Hold on to Your Kids with Dr. Neufeld.

8. Jennfier Kolari Connected Parenting . (http://www.ConnectedParenting.com )

  • Since I started doing parenting education 10 years ago, this is the most helpful book I’ve read that shows how to connect with your kids. Kolari has a great technique for bonding with kids. She also covers topics such as anxiety in kids, bedtimes, transitions and temper tantrums. Her work helps take the theoretical background that Dr. Neufeld and Maté cover, and translate it into action.

9. Dan Fauci, The Mastery of Self-Expression (http://themasteryworkshops.com )

  • Parents often don’t think enough about their own personal growth. It is common knowledge that if we aren’t growing, we are dying. The Mastery workshops have been a backbone of my personal growth, and have been a major contributor to my parenting. That is why I include the course on this list. Dan Fauci is the founder of the workshop and his mission is to help people live the lives they were meant to live, not just get by.

10. Annie Fox, (http://AnnieFox.com )

  • I had the pleasure of interviewing Annie in the fall. Her expertise is tweens and teens. She has extensive experience from her work helping teens for over a decade through her website, http://theinsite.org. Her practical, compassionate approach is easy for parents to relate to and use.

These experts have either been on my interview series this year, or are being approached about being part of my Parenting TeleSummit . Many are authors whose work I have read and applied personally with my family. Still others I have taken courses from directly.

I’d love to hear who you think is the best parenting expert of 2009!

Posted in Annie Fox, Attachment, Child, Children, Connected Parenting, Dan Fauci, Daniel Amen, Daniel Goleman, Dr. Gordon Neufeld, Dr. Kathlyn Hendricks, Gabor Mate, Great Parenting, Hold on to Your Kids, Internet safety, Jennifer Kolari, Martin Seligman, Middle School, Norman Doidge, Parenting, Parenting Coach, Parenting Tips, Parents, Teens, The Mastery of Self Expression, Tweens, Uncategorized, Vanessa Van Petten | 2 Comments »

Great Gift Idea that Requires no Purchases, and Will Be the Most Cherished Gift that Most People Receive!

Sunday, December 20th, 2009 by Jacqueline Green

My friend Kelly Rudolph created a powerful way to connect with our loved ones in a very meaningful way this Christmas. I’m attaching the link  here to her 24 minute long audio that discusses her brilliant idea for a free gift we can give that could be the most meaningful gift our loved ones receive. I’ve used the idea this year and found it very powerful. Kelly interviewed me and others about what the experience has meant for us.

Her gratitude idea helps cut past the superficial and get to the core of what matters to us. Let me know what your experience is with using her template to connect to your loved ones! I’d love to know what your experience is with this or similar ideas. It seems to me this is the gift that truly keeps on giving.

Posted in Attachment, Child, Children, Free Gift Ideas, Gifts, Great Parenting, Kelly Rudolph, Parenting, Parenting Tips, Positive Women Rock, Uncategorized, http://PositiveWomenRock.com | 2 Comments »

The Power of Tears: Nature’s Maturation Ally

Wednesday, December 16th, 2009 by Jacqueline Green

Many parents have no idea how much power tears have in helping their kids become resilient, competent people. When my children were young I had the good fortune to learn about this important psychological ally from Dr. Gordon Neufeld, best-selling author of Hold on to Your Kids. Instead of trying to get my kids to cry, I learned to encourage healthy tears when appropriate, and that, as they say, has made all the difference in my parenting.

For kids to adapt to what isn’t working in their life, they need to feel their sorrow, which more often than not when they are small, involves tears. Sometimes kids get stuck developmentally and they don’t feel their sadness or have their tears. The sad thing is that when kids lose their tears, they aren’t able to learn from what isn’t working for them, and are often destined to repeat the same mistakes over and over. (more…)

Posted in Attachment, Boundaries, Child, Children, Dr. Gordon Neufeld, Hold on to Your Kids, Parenting, Parenting Tips, Parents | 3 Comments »

Sibling Rivalry and The Power of Parents to Diffuse It Through Patience and Vision

Wednesday, December 9th, 2009 by Jacqueline Green

Patience is natural to those who trust. ~ Course in Miracles

I have this quote on my bathroom wall. This morning when I saw it after the kids had left for school, I reflected on how much my dramatic increase in patience over the last decade, has improved my parenting and family life. Instead of being reactive and adding to the family drama, I am increasingly patient and calm. That has made all the difference.

One great example of my patience and faith that we will work things out, is my reaction when the kids argue. Whereas before when they bickered, I’d get very worked up and want an instant solution, now I can sit back and think about the situation more objectively. I don’t get sucked in nearly as often to the belief that I need to resolve the problem immediately. That is so wonderful because when I do try to effect an immediate solution, that often only adds a lot of tension into an already tense environment.

What happened this morning was a great example. I entered the kitchen to hear some name calling. My son was upset and looked hurt, and my daughter angry. I’ve been working on mirroring their emotions more, (see blog post on Jennifer Kolari’s excellent new book Connected Parenting ) but in the moment, I didn’t see what I could do to help the situation. Part of the problem was I had two upset kids, and so I didn’t even know which one to start with!

Sam left the kitchen, still upset. Lauren started reiterating some of the names that Sam has called her. Then she was equally hurt and upset. Haven’t we all done that at some point, whipped ourselves into a frenzy by remembering past hurts? She stormed off too, leaving me alone.

In the past, at this point I would have been equally upset. I used to imagine bonking their heads together because of my frustration. Instead, I felt calm, knowing that I could help the kids get through this issue. From this calm, patient place, I went to talk to Sam. He was the calmest and so seemed the logical one to start with.

Clearly, Rob and I need to help him to see his contribution to the sibling rivalry that he was embroiled in this morning. At the moment, Sam is taking the typical stance of warring parties; he feels his pride can’t let her name-calling go undefended. Although he didn’t retaliate this morning, I have no doubt that left to his own devices, he will retaliate later.

That’s where my increasing patience comes in. At 8 a.m. with the school bell deadline looming, I didn’t have time to go into the issue further. We’ve done lots of lecturing with the kids in the past that hasn’t worked, even when Rob and I passionately deliver the lecture. Clearly, in that moment what was within my power was

  • to diffuse the situation to some degree,
  • congratulate both of them on not escalating further (no one yelled, nor said worse names)
  • give them the message both verbally and non-verbally that we would get through this experience.

Although I couldn’t change the fact that hurtful words were said, it was huge that the kids were able to leave for school relatively calm and ready for their day. I’d love to say that it was the first time that hurtful words were exchanged between them, but it wasn’t. There truly was no urgency, even though this is a serious and important issue. Adding urgency, or impatience, would only have pushed our goal further away. We value teaching the kids to respectfully disagree, and that is not something that they will learn instantly.

I wish I’d learned this when the kids first started to bicker and fight as toddlers. The truth is that my reaction lead to a much bigger problem than we originally started out with. However, I am also much more patient with myself now too. If I had known better, I would have done better. Change can be a slow process, that is speeded up by patience, vision and belief. I am profoundly grateful to have found those things while my kids are still young. It is truly never too late.

Posted in Child, Children, Connected Parenting, Family Vision, Great Parenting, Jennifer Kolari, Parenting, Parenting Tips, Parents, Patience, Siibling Rivalry | No Comments »

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