You want to be the best parent you can be. However, if you are buried in clutter, or blowing up at your kids, you can’t be your best. That’s why last week I kicked off the Great Parenting Show with interviews with Marla Cilley, the organizational expert better known as the FlyLady, and Hal Runkel, best-selling author of ScreamFree Parenting.

I didn’t expect to learn a lot for myself from Marla Cilley. I’m fairly organized, and thought our listeners would be the biggest benefactors from her wisdom. To my delight I picked up useful tips about our back-to-school routine as well as new inspiration to clear out the few areas that are cluttered in my life. I loved her 27 fling boogie idea for making decluttering fun for parents AND kids. Let me know if you catch her 48 hour free replay what you found helpful!

I also have learned a lot of techniques for staying scream free in my parenting. Nevertheless Hal Runkel was full of great tips that I will apply to my family. I’ve already apologized to my son for being too quick to respond to him when he swore the other day. Although I stand by my objection to him swearing (he’s 13 and he was angry at the time), I realized that had I pushed pause, I would have been calmer and gentler in my rebuke. He’s a great kid and he didn’t deserve or need the lecture he got from his dad and I. We were hot and needed to calm down first, as Hal so poignantly pointed out.

The common theme in both interviews is that parenting is about us growing up and becoming happier people with the challenges in our lives.  When we focus on our kids, we lose our power to directly change and improve our family. Yes, our children often have to change too, but when we lead instead of push from behind, everyone is happier and the results are far more effective.

Let me know your thoughts on organizing, scream free parenting and other big issues for your family. If you haven’t already, sign up for the free series of 24 experts (click here). You may have missed the first free replay of Marla and Hal (there will be another chance to hear them later in the season!). The great news is you still have a chance to ask your top question of the next 22 parenting experts! Many of the top parenting experts in North America are still to come, so sign up and take advantage of this unique and powerful chance to transform your family for generations to come.  The website is http://www.GreatParentingShow.com.

Share your comments below, and by all means, tell your friends! There has never been the chance to listen to such great parenting content for free, as well as ask your top question to each expert, before. Then kick back and choose the experts you most want to learn from over the 3 month free show.

If you’re like me, you’ve spent a lot of time trying to answer life’s big questions:

* How can I create a joyful connected family?
* How can I raise self-reliant children?
* How can I help my children contribute to the world?
* How can I heal and become the parent I want?
* How can I balance my work and my family?

For answers to these questions click here and you’ll go to my new website, the Great Parenting Show.
I am very excited to announce that next Tuesday, August 31, I am interviewing Hal Runkel, best-selling author of Screamfree Parenting. His interview will be live at 10 am PST, 1 pm EST. You can ask questions live, or listen to the replay for free for 48 hours afterward.

I’d love to hear which speaker you are most excited about hearing! We have an amazing lineup, with experts including Marla Cilley, the Fly Lady, talking about organizing, Sonia Choquette talking about raising intuitive kids, Byron Katie talking about how to stop suffering, both as a parent and for your kids, and Michel Borba, who some have called the rock star of parenting education.

I hope you can join us for some or all of the 24 interviews this fall!

If you have one minute, you owe it to yourself to watch the video in this post. You’ll have a great laugh, and your kids will too. Hopefully, you will also take away a major parenting lesson.

Watch the video and then read the rest of this post.

Do you think Charlie, the baby, meant to hurt his brother? It’s clear he thought they were playing and he went too far. I believe that the majority of the time, when our kids make mistakes, they don’t mean to be mean either. How we react though, can take an innocent mistake and cause them shame and turn an innocent mistake into a painful moment.

Tread gently on your children’s feelings. As  W.B. Yeats once said, “Tread softly, for you tread on my dreams.” When you make a mistake and are harsh with your kids, be gentle with yourself, set the intention to be gentler next time and less quick to react, and then let the moment go. The gentler we all are on each other, the easier and more successful parenting is. Peace truly does start at home.

One of the biggest triggers for parents, especially when your kids are young, is fighting. When you love both of your kids and they are being mean to each other, it can be very hard not to be reactive. Unfortunately often our reaction is not helpful and causes more tension and fighting.

When my kids were young, one of the many things that drove me into becoming a parent educator was my kids fighting. I know now that my overreaction often caused that much more fighting. I’ve learned a lot about how to calm them down and engage their higher values. Today I’m going to share a few of the tools that I used to turn my fighting kids into mostly loving siblings.

First, I want to share the findings of Po Brunson and Ashley Merryman in Nurture Shock (http://NurtureShock.com). These authors found that what matters most in terms of long-term benefits from having a sibling, is the net overall effect of their interactions. In other words, if your kids fight sometimes, that is not near as big a deal if they have more time when they get along and enjoy and support one another. Siblings whose relationship was fairly cool, and who mostly ignored each other, often have a much cooler, less supportive adult relationship. So although the latter siblings would be easier to parent, our ultimate goal of having our kids be allies for each other in the world would not be met if our kids have a net negative or even non-existent relationship.

Some of the tips I’ve incorporated into my parenting that have been so helpful are:

1. Calm yourself first.

2.Seek to understand your child’s emotions, and to communicate your understanding.

3.Help your child see other perspectives for the situation.

4. Facilitate negotiaton if appropriate.

5. Apply consequences if necessary.

1. Calm yourself first! If I hear my kids talking with raised, possibly angry voices, I immediately take a few deep breathes. I don’t run to them, I walk while reminding myself that they have good skills for conflict negotiation, and that even if they resort to the low road and name call or something else that they shouldn’t , that over time, these behaviors will continue to diminsh.

This approach is so important, and is drastically different than the approach that many parents use.  Do you ever rush to your kids, yelling and determined to extinguish the fighting? Unfortunately that’s what I used to do, and the result was like adding fuel to the fire. My high energy and tension just make them more tense and more likely to erupt. If you yell at them to stop it, you are in effect contributing by doing one of the things you want them to stop.

Part of calming yourself includes building your faith in yourself and your children to figure things out. Ironically one of my claims to fame as a parenting educator is the fact that parenting was so hard for me. I started out a parenting mess, and slowly built my belief that I could become the parent I wanted to be. I wish now I had realized how much of my parenting challenges were because I didn’t believe in myself or my ability to learn how to be the great parent I was meant to be. If I had begun with a solid faith in myself and my kids, I could have saved myself a lot of grief and got to a better place as a family much quicker.

2. Seek to understand! It is fine to match your child’s intensity and even raise your voice, if you are doing so in order to communicate your understanding of the situation. You can say something like, “Wow, you two are really upset! Whatever is going on obviously is really getting you going.” That approach will start the process of calming your child down as he or she hears that you get how torqued up he or she is. As Stephen Covey says, “Seek first to understand.” When you do this, your kids will ultimately feel your support because they get that you care how they feel, instead of jumping to conclusions about who has done what.

From the perspective of your child’s brain, as Jennifer Kolari (http://ConnectedParenting.com) says, when your child feels your empathetic connection, opiates are released in his or her brain. This chemical reaction is a powerful calming agent, and aids in your child’s resiliency. So not only are you helping your children calm down in the moment, you are helping them build pathways that lead to resiliency in other situations as well.

Please note that you are not condoning or agreeing with either child’s actions. If you communicate that you understand what your child is saying, you don’t have to say that you agree with her interpretation of the events. Feelings are not right or wrong, and many parents skip the step of acknowledging feelings, and thus loose the ability to shift them. After feelings are dealt with then other view points can be considered (see next point).

3. Once your child feels understood, help him or her to see other ways of looking at the situation.This often is not possible in the moment. Your  children may need to cool down before they are able to consider anyone else’s perspective. Just yesterday my kids got in an argument about a basketball game that they played at camp recently. This morning my daughter was able to hear us talk about how the situation could have looked from her brother’s side. Last night, all I could do was empathize with her about how irritating it is when you are sure your team won, and your sibling is disputing that fact.  However, that empathy was what it took to calm her down and open her up to hearing another perspective this morning.

4. Facilitate a negotiation if that is appropriate. This is a great way for kids to learn negotiation skills, including taking time out and returning to the negotiation if they get stuck, or if their tempers start to flare. Even quite young children can learn to negotiate, and your time spent helping them, or mediating, will be directly helpful to their social skills. Teach them concepts like making sure both sides feel like they won, so that they build good will for next time.

5. If necessary, apply consequences to your children for continued fighting. Kolari suggests giving your kids a few days to improve on their own, and then applying a reward or consequence according to how they are doing. If you can tie things that they both want to their behavior, that is a logical consequence for both of them. Sometimes this is necessary because one or both kids are benefiting in some way from the fighting. One sibling may actually enjoy getting the other one going, and in which case voluntary compliance isn’t going to happen.

Limits combined with helping your children deal with their feelings in the moment, are very helpful. Sibling rivalry is actually a powerful training zone for kids to learn how to deal with their strong feelings, and the inevitable conflict that they will experience with people in their lives. As a parent, it is a powerful opportunity for us to build our children’s resiliency, while helping our children learn to value and treat their siblings with respect.

I’d love to hear what you’ve found helpful for sibling rivalry, and any other comments that you have.

I’m working on a major new parenting show for the fall, called the Great Parenting Show. One of the first experts I contacted was Dr. Daniel Amen, because of his amazing work. He is a psychiatrist and physician, who has numerous popular books on the brain, and how to optimize this pivotal human organ. I have personally benefited tremendously from his work, as well as enjoyed sharing some of his tips to clients and on my blog. Tday I wanted to share an example of how powerful his work can be fore your child.

My daughter, like so many kids nowadays, has a tendency towards anxiety. Thanks to Dr. Amen’s powerful ANT (automatic negative thoughts) concept, I have been able to help her deal with her anxious thoughts quickly and easily. Every time I’m able to help her through a moment or a situation by using his ideas, I am deeply grateful for the years of pain that she is being spared.

Last night, as we were lying in bed talking before she went to sleep, Lauren wondered out loud if she was ready for her impending theatrical debut.  I asked if she was feeling a bit anxious, and she agreed. I reminded her that ANTs, or automatic negative thoughts will tend to show up at these times.

We all know that when an ant shows up at a picnic, it is never just one ant. They call their friends and have a feast. Part of the genius of Amen’s analogy is the fact that automatic negative thoughts also tend to grow and multiply, just like that first ant at the picnic turns into a horde. Kids and adults find the description easy to grasp and remember.

We’ve discussed this idea so many times that all I had to say was that ANTs are common in this situation. With her fears normalized and understood, she went to calmly off to sleep.  I imagine tonight she’ll have more ANTs show up because it is now the night before her debut. That means an even greater cause for excitement, some of which will manifest as anxiety, at least for awhile. However, she knows how to manage the ANTs, so she will be able to minimize the discomfort.

Most of my energy right now is going to booking great experts like Dr. Daniel Amen, so that more parents can easily help their children through these typical, but often tough moments. However, I wanted to take a moment out to write another post about Dr. Amen, and to say thank you to him for his transformational work.

I love that already at the tender age of 10, my daughter knows that she can ignore the thoughts that say that something awful is going to happen. She can choose what she wants to do in life based on what she loves, not what scares her. She loves to sing and dance (and does both beautifully, in my biased opinion) AND she has the normal stage fright that most people have. Many adults believe those thoughts so much so that fear of public speaking is the second highest fear, after death! What a gift that she doesn’t have to hide her gifts all her life because of believing those ANTs!

Thank you Dr. Amen. You are a wonderful human being, who I know had your own ANTs to deal with when you first started speaking on television about your powerful work. I’m grateful you got rid of  your own ANTs so you could teach so many others how to get rid of theirs!

I wrote a few weeks ago about how common it is for kids to get the message that they are bad (see post here). If you are guilty of this, it isn’t because that is what you want your kids to think, it’s just that it is easy to get stuck focusing on all the things your kids aren’t doing, or are doing wrong. However, with a slight shift of focus, everything flows better, and your results will be much better as well.

The other day I had a great opportunity to choose my focus. My son was receiving an award at school, and my 10-year old daughter decided to come with us. However, with the busy day we had she didn’t feel ready, and when we pulled up to the middle school, she asked if she could stay in the van. It wasn’t baking hot, just warm, and so I agreed. We live in a small town and I was very comfortable with her having the windows open, or coming in if she was too warm.

An hour later, when I got out to the car, I discovered that she had been running the air conditioner with the keys, but without the van all the way on. So the battery was completely, 100% dead. Now I had appointments to keep, a beautiful flower basket that I’d been given as a thank you for helping with the breakfast program, and no vehicle!

Fortunately after a few minutes I found someone I knew, and asked for a ride home. Although this had happened once before a year or so ago, I realized that I could have thought to mention/reminder my daughter not to turn on the air conditioner. So instead of getting exasperated, which once would have been my response, I focused on the fact that this was such an easy way to learn that lesson.

We were not in any harm, we didn’t have to walk, take a taxi, or find someone to come and charge the battery. I knew my husband would be home later, and we could drive the 5 minutes back to the van and boost it. If we’d been on holidays, or in the city, that same event would have been huge.

I’m not perfect, and am increasingly okay with that fact. I have days where I make the wrong choice and focus on the negative. I know though that when I do, I am less happy, and less successful as a parent. I want my children to have the profound message that they are good for who they are, and to not fear making mistakes. So I continue to develop the habit of focusing on the positive in each situation, and remembering their goodness when I notice the negative.

If you find yourself slipping and having a negative focus, like I did this morning,  use that as an opportunity to demonstrate how to repair relationship mistakes. Tell your kids you got caught up in a negative focus, apologize if appropriate, and move on. That way you are showing them how to do a repair themselves when they behave poorly in relationships. Then you turn your “mistake” into a perfect teaching moment. That’s why I said in my earlier article, Great Parenting is Perfect Imperfection!

I’m off to make my repair with my daughter, who will be home from drama camp soon. I’d love to hear how your focus affects your parenting, and any specific examples of where you changed your focus, or made a repair afterward.

If you found this helpful, please share this article with your friends and leave a comment below!

It is summertime! While this is a glorious time of year, it presents unique challenges for parents. All parents work, whether you are a stay-at-home, work-at-home parent or at the office. Summer, like weekends, presents many opportunities to connect with our kids, and often many conflicts with the work that still needs to be done! Most parents experience some angst or unease as you transition from your regular routines into your summer schedule for days at home. (Going away on holidays is often easier to transition into because the workload is often much diminished.)

I want to give you a few tips for how to set your family up for a great summer or weekend day around the house.

• Make connecting with them your first priority! If you know you need to spend two hours on work that you can’t involve them in, plan to do something with your kids first. That way they will feel nurtured and grounded before you start your work. That will save you the endless interruptions as your kids try to get your attention.

Some ways to connect can include:

- going for a bike ride or walk. Morning is a wonderful time to stroll your neighborhood. You can discuss your days plans at the same time, and warn your child that you will be busy after. That gives your child a chance to develop plans for how he or she will keep busy too.

- bake something with your child. Many girls and some boys love to bake, and the time spent making muffins or cookies is a great chance to connect.

- read a short story or watch an inspiring video. This can become an incredibly valuable lifetime habit.

• Give your child some structure for their day. Although we all love free time, with no structure, too little structure has negative consequences for your child. As well, if he hasn’t got cleaned up and ready for the day, when opportunities come to play, or hang out as my teen and tween say, with other kids, your child won’t be ready.

Useful structure can include:

- no media time until you’ve cleaned up, eaten and done any chores you have to do.

- outside time has to equal media time. That way your child will be sure to have some active time to counteract or balance their media time. My kids used to ask if they could read outside! I’ve always insisted they do something active, so that doesn’t count in my books.

• Ask your children if they have any projects they’d like to do over the summer . This can be a great way of helping them make the best of their time off. Sometimes kids don’t think ahead to realize they now have time to make that kitty condo they’ve always wanted to make (my kids’ decided to do that last week). Your kids may also tell you that they’d like to go to a spray park or some other activity that you can work into your summer plans.

What are some of your ideas for how to balance connecting with your family with getting what you need done, done on summer days at home? Please leave your comment and share this post with your friends. Above all, have a great summer with your family and enjoy each chance you do have to be together!

My mother’s underlying message to us kids was that we were bad. She didn’t consciously decide to send us this message, and she did tell us she loved us and recognized our goodness at times. To be honest, I am praying she doesn’t read this because I don’t want to hurt her feelings. She clearly was operating from her own woundedness. I have no agenda to change my mom. I get that she did the best that she knew how. My agenda has been to heal my own woundedness and to help other moms do the same.

I am a recovering perfectionist. My childhood message of not being good enough morphed into a desire to be perfect so I’d finally get the unconditional love I so needed. My journey from an often angry mom, who also suffered from depressed and to a lesser degree anxiety, to happy, calm, non-medicated mom has involved me learning how to give and get that unconditional love. In learning to be the parent I so needed, I’ve healed and continue to grow in my ability to parent from a place other than love and acceptance. Along the way I’ve learned to laugh more, and I’ll share a funny perfectionism-related story in a moment.

I’ve done three radio interviews lately on the perils of perfectionism in parenting. I love helping women see how they are hampering their own success by their often unconscious perfectionism. Many perfectionistic moms don’t think they are near perfect enough, Anger issues, depression, anxiety, eating disorders and many other painful conditions are fed or even created by our unrealistic expectations of ourselves.

We idolize women like Martha Stewart and allow ourselves to feel bad because we can’t measure up. Often times, that message gets passed on to our kids; they perceive that they are bad because they aren’t perfect. No mother consciously wants to make her kids feel bad; it is just part of the dark side of being a Super Mom on Steroids (to read the article where I coined the term, click here).

Part of my recovery from perfectionism involves replacing that critical voice inside with a loving, supportive voice that sees the good I am doing, recognizes my humanity, and loves me even when I fall far short of my ideals. It is brilliant that I teach, coach and do presentations on perfectionism, because I continue to discover new levels of healing through my work. At the same time I am touched by the moms who tell me how helpful my coaching, writing or presentations are to them. I am passionate about helping as many women free themselves from this trap that causes you and your families so much unnecessary pain.

I want to share a funny and powerful example of how, if we release our perfectionistic expectations, everyone benefits. Yesterday, on an interview for Dori DeCarlo’s Word of Mom Blog Talk Radio Show, we were able to demonstrate how lower expectations make for perfect moments! The message was powerful during this very unconventional radio show.

As a perfectionist, you probably say, “should” to yourself a lot. I certainly would have thought before yesterday that the radio host “should” be on the call for the whole hour! Seems like a reasonable assumption. Yet we all know technology happens, and although my computer/power in my house haven’t crashed yet during a call, I love that I know have lots of ideas for how to handle the situation! Lots of laughter is part of the key, and ironically, our message was augmented, not diminished by the experience.

You’ve probably guessed the gist of what happened. Shortly after giving the definition of perfectionism, a friend of Dori’s, Janice Clark, called in. As Janice and I were talking, Dori’s house lost its power. She was bumped off the show for what seemed like 10 minutes. At one point Janice joked about how she’d taken over Dori’s job as host. I’d already suspected that Dori wasn’t there, because this usually animated host hadn’t said a peep in at least 5 minutes! Her continued silence even after Janice’s comment spoke volumes, and yet we were having a great conversation about perfectionism, and the show must go on!

I loved how Dori handled the situation when she returned. We talked about what happened and her attempts to get back on the call. We laughed a lot, and marveled at the perfection of this situation to prove the power of relaxing our expectations. By laughing at our imperfections, we were giving moms listening the chance to relax about their flaws too. That’s a gift I want to give every man, woman and child on earth.

Interestingly enough, while Dori DeCarlo was in the dark trying to call in, Janet Turner was talking about how Tyra Banks shared her pre-airbrushed photos, and also removed her makeup and even bra, to show her imperfections. I was very moved when I saw Oprah do a show where she went from waking up to fully made up. Jamie Lee Curtis has given a similar gift with photos of her without effects to make her look her best. All three of these women are giving us a gift far more powerful than telling us we are all beautiful; when they show that they also have times when they don’t look near as glamorous as usual, we all breathe a sigh of relief!

You can take the same inspiration from parents who share their tough times. Sometimes what you need is not another beauty or parenting tip, but to know that another parent has gone from disaster (the women above before makeup were a beauty disaster) to parenting with joy and ease, most of the time.  You can bridge the painful and sometimes huge gap between who you want to be as a parent, and who keeps showing up with your kids.  I am offering you part of my story, just like Tyra and Oprah and Jamie Lee, so that you can relax about your parental imperfections, and realize what a wonderful mom you really are.

To have a laugh while listening to the replay of our Word of Mom interview, click here.

Please leave a comment below, and share this post with your friends , especially those ones who are a bit too uptight and are suffering from a sense that things should be done a certain way. You’ll be giving them a real gift, because perfecti0nism is a painful condition that far too many people suffer from.  Many angry, anxious and depressed people are trapped in their perfectionism, and need to be shown how to be free.

As I read so many posts about what books to get dad, or what gadget, I’m struck by how superficial these gifts really are. Yes, he probably will appreciate a thoughtful object, whether a book he’d enjoy, or the latest electronic device. But how about giving him something that he can’t give himself?

Everyone craves recognition. This Father’s Day, along with whatever physical gift you give your father, or the father of your children, how about giving him the gift of specific words of appreciation. If you and your children take 10 minutes, or even 5, to write down a few of the specific things you value about the dads in your life, that will fill a deep need that they have to be recognized for what they do.

My husband and I are apart for the first time ever this Father’s Day. He’s down with our daughter at a swim meet and I’m hear with our son doing Rotary activities and so our son can do his activities. I am going to text him a list of 10 things that I appreciate that he does for me. I plan to find a few that he doesn’t expect, and that I haven’t complimented him on before, as well as the ones that I’ve said before. I know that he will be delighted to hear the same compliments over and over again, as well as the new ones.

What are 5 things that you appreciate about your dad? the father of your child? Even if you are separated, I encourage you to dig deep and find 5 things you appreciate about your child’s dad. The things we focus on expand, and so your gratitude for whatever the dads in your life are doing, is huge.

Even if you read this after Father’s Day,take a minute to:

1. comment below to share how you plan to implement this idea, including the specific comments if you want
2. post this on your Facebook, Twitter or other social media to share this with your friends. They will benefit for doing this brief exercise, as will the dads in their life!

On a radio interview the other day, I coined the term super moms on steroids. At least I haven’t heard anyone else use the term. It seems like a pretty apt description of what is happening on the playgrounds these days. The topic was how we hurt ourselves by trying to be the perfect parent. Our generation didn’t invent this phenomenon, but we have taken it to a whole new height.

We admire Martha Stewart, and even envy her, but do you really like her? Probably not, if you are like most women who feel somehow less-than because we can’t churn out perfectly thought-out meals, decor and yards, etc. etc. Yet despite not even liking her and others who seem too perfect to be true, we are more and more obsessed with trying to project a perfect image of ourselves and our children to the rest of the world,

Just like Jeff Foxworthy helped everyone  identify if you were a red neck, I’d like to offer a sample list to help you with your self identification. Don’t worry, there is a support group you can join if you say yes to one or more of the following!

You may be a Super Mom on Steroids if:

• You feel like MURDERING your child because he or she made you look less than perfect (Fortunately you have perfected the art of  hissing your death threats).
• You feel MORE PROUD of your child’s A on her report than she does (probably because you worked harder on it than her).
• You NEVER leave the house until every hair is in place, both yours AND your kids (Kids needing to go into emergency in the middle of the night presents an absolute crisis in priorities).
• You CAN’T FUNCTION without the use of professional organizing tools such as daytimers or software to keep track of your kids events (thank God for that new app that lets you sync that software with your iPhone).
• IT KILLS YOU to wait  five minutes in line at Starbucks (that’s because it takes all five of your body’s patience cells).
• You NEED CAFFEINE to keep your insane schedule going, and to keep yourself from touching the ground (so expecting you to be patient in Starbucks is not fair actually).
• You can say GREAT, in answer to a query about how you are, (even though you know your Prozac isn’t working anymore and you just had a panic attack in your vehicle minutes earlier)
• Your kids are on MORE MEDICATION than you are (This sometimes makes you feel like the saner one).
• You debate the merits of your kids getting  plastic surgery (after all, if their nose isn’t perfect, how will they survive in this cruel, superficial world)

Although I am making fun of the Super Mom on Steroids, in reality, it usually isn’t funny to live that way. It is very ironic that trying to be perfect so often produces such horrible results. Perfectionism is a gladiator sport, with your sanity often being the victim.

Next week I’ll write about THE DARK SIDE of trying to be a Super Mom on steroids. Even though I touched on some pretty dark aspects of the pursuit of perfection today, I was only talking about the women who stay in the battle and feel that perfectionism is still attainable. The mothers who’ve internalized the ideal but just can’t even come close make up another huge set of casualties.

Let me know about your experience of living in a world where Super Mom is idealized and internalized. How has your life been affected? Leave a comment below. Then include your friends in the discussion by sharing this on Facebook,  Twitter or other social media, using the buttons listed at the top of the blog or below.